


The Murder of Batman

by orphan_account



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Arguing, Bickering, Humor, Jonathan and Edward Are Immature, M/M, Squabbling, Villains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-15
Updated: 2018-01-15
Packaged: 2019-03-05 06:59:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13382583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Edward Nygma and Jonathan Crane actually managed to murder Batman.Yeah, they can't believe it either.





	The Murder of Batman

The whole situation had been borderline comical and surreal in a way. One moment, the mighty Batman was screaming bloody murder in the other room, letting out a bellow so deep and guttural it reminded Jonathan of a dying beast, desperately swatting at invisible enemies that neither Jonathan nor Edward could see. It seemed as if his fear gas had been extra potent this time around. Then, in a panicked attempt to escape from said assailants, he charged into the seemingly open room, clearly not noticing the rows of turrets lining the room. Then, before the Bat could figure out what he had just ran into, the turrets locked onto their target and began spitting out a large array of bullets. It didn’t take them long to make Batman resemble a piece of swiss cheese. Once the turrets ran out of ammunition, they retracted and slipped under the floorboards. 

For one terrifying moment, it had actually looked like the Batman had managed to survive the process. Sure, he was pouring out rivers of blood and he was barely able to stand, his knees trembling like a newborn fawn, but he was still up and breathing (although incredibly raggedly). 

Jonathan had to admit, his heart was pounding with fear. Theories had been thrown around in Arkham Asylum by some of the more superstitious types that Batman was not actually a human at all, but instead something else. What that ‘something else’ was, no one could say exactly. Some suggested that he was an alien of sorts. Others said he was a failed science experiment of some kind. A Slade Wilson 2.0, if you will. Jonathan could also list off all the other ridiculous theories he had heard of Batman being: a robot, a demigod, a demon, a religious figure of some sorts that had been brought down to Earth, and a bunch of others. All of them Jonathan had found stupid, and borderline arrogant. Whenever he heard one of these theories, he could only hear someone essentially saying, “Of course, I, great genius that I am, didn’t lose due to my own folly. Batman just has superpowers or is a supernatural figure of some kind!”

Please.

He at least had the shame to admit he had lost, and used that failure as a chance to learn from his past and improve his methods. The Batman, as far as he always been concerned, was a human, and humans were imperfect creatures. They made mistakes, acted on a rather reliable psychological basis, could be emotional at the worst times, and could do quite stupid things. Batman’s recklessness and draw to danger would lead to his own downfall and to Jonathan’s victory. He was determined of that. And now that he had Edward on his side to help him, he was even more confident of that. 

But seeing the man still standing somehow even after being riddled with bullets was starting to make him question everything. After all, how could anyone who was human survive that? It brought spikes of terror in his blood, causing his heart to jolt a little. Gosh, it had been a little while since he felt pure, unadulterated fear like this. 

He almost let out a breath of relief when he saw the Batman’s legs give in, watching as the man slumped forward, dead as a doornail.

For a moment, he and Edward stood gaping in shock. Jonathan was almost afraid to blink, fearing that the image in front of him was just apart of his imagination and that it would disappear as soon as he looked away. But no, the Batman’s corpse laid there, unmoving.

It was Edward, predictably, who broke the silence. At first all Edward could manage to say was, “We…” 

Then the redheaded man broke into a wide grin and suddenly grabbed Jonathan into a tight hug, cheering, “We did it! We killed Batman!”

Jonathan stiffened in the hug at first, caught off-guard by suddenly being grabbed and still not used to displays of affection, but eventually he found himself relaxing into it and hugging Edward back, a small smile even beginning to form on his own face. It was somewhat pleasing to hear the seemingly invincible Batman had been brought down by them! 

And everyone in Gotham thought it would be the Joker who would get to do that. Ha!

Of course, there was a part of Jonathan that was somewhat disappointed that he hadn’t gotten to figure out what frightened the Batman, but hey, he had to look at the brightside. With the Batman out of his hair now for good, that gave him plenty of time to perform his research and experiments on anyone he pleased uninterrupted. That was until the Justice League inevitably came after him for exterminating one of their key members. But to be perfectly honest, both he and Edward were excited for when that day came. 

Edward was excited simply because he was eager to prove that he was smarter than all of the other members of the Justice League. Jonathan was excited to find out about their fears. Honestly, the disappointment of not finding out what the Batman’s worst fear was before he died was almost washed away just by the very thought. After all, as god-like as the Batman might have seemed, as mentioned before, he was still a human, which most likely meant he had a very human fear. For all he knew, the Caped Crusader was like most humans and was afflicted with something common, like arachnophobia or something similar. He’d always prepared for the fact that the Bat could wind up leaving him very disappointed.

But he highly doubted that could be said for the other Justice League members. After all, hardly any of them were human. That only left him wondering, what did a seemingly invincible pair of super cousins fear? What made a demigod woman’s knees quake? An alien who could transform into anything? An Atlantean? 

He was eager to know.

But one step at a time, he supposed. 

Edward removed himself from Jonathan and immediately began strolling up to the body, Jonathan following close behind,scooting all the bullet shells out of his way as he walked. They looked at the corpse curiously for a few seconds, before Edward smugly said, “It seems that for once, I have gotten to land the final blow!” Then, with his question mark cane, he tapped Batman’s body which let out a strangely loud noise. Edward raised an eyebrow. “Gosh, did he wear a suit made of metal? No wonder I felt like I was getting hit with a steel beam every time he hit me,” Edward said the last part darkly. Jonathan hated the Batman quite a bit himself, but Edward always seemed to hold a special sort of resentment for the Bat that Jonathan couldn’t even hope to understand or compete with. Shrugging, Edward said, “Oh well, good thing I planned ahead and made the bullets fifty calibers.” 

Jonathan raised an eyebrow. Even he hadn’t known Edward had gone that far. 

Edward must have noticed his look, as he had immediately gotten defensive, saying, “What?! I wanted to make sure they did the job and I never had gotten to see how strong his armor actually was.”  
Jonathan looked back down at the corpse and said, “Well he is miraculously INTACT for someone who got hit by a bunch of them!” 

“I’ve seen him get smacked around by Bane and Killer Croc like a ragdoll and still come out intact. Both he and his armor have to be tough.”

Jonathan contemplated that for a bit before nodding and saying, “Good point.”

“I know,” Edward said smugly, with a grin. 

The two then lapsed into a silence again as they stared at their now dead enemy, seemingly unsure about where to go from there. When the two of them had decided to work together in defeating in destroying the Batman, planning on doing so with a combination of Edward’s riddles, a few fear bombs, and Edward’s bullets, they had been pretty confident that it would work. After all, two determined and embittered geniuses working together was a powerful combination. And as they had predicted, it had worked. But so used to failure both Edward and Jonathan were, they didn’t know how to fully comprehend and let it sink in that they had actually succeeded. They had no back up plan.

But after a while, Edward took another small step forward and said, “Well, I suppose the only course of action now is to unmask him and see who has been tormenting us all of our lives.”

Jonathan nodded immediately. He had to admit, while revealing the Batman’s identity had never been his main goal ever, it would be a waste not to see who it was underneath there.

“Any last minute predictions on who it is?” Edward said, looking at him. Jonathan eyed him for a moment. Lord, Edward wasn’t one of the few who believed in the crazy theories? If he was, it would be one of the few times that Jonathan could think of Edward being stupid.

But he decided to answer honestly for himself, “A cop.”

“A cop?!” Edward said, tone suggesting that he found the idea ridiculous and idiotic, making Jonathan immediately feel defensive.

Bristling slightly, he said, “What? It’s perfectly rational! After all, he seemed to know all of our criminal histories and names and stuff. I can only imagine a cop would have that kind of information. And who else would have that much of a love for justice?”

“Certainly not a Gotham cop,” Edward sniffed, “Unless you are making the exception for James Gordon, but if that old sack of bones is Batman, I might actually leap off a cliff.”

Jonathan hissed, “Never said it had to be a Gotham cop. Maybe it was a former cop in Metropolis or something who couldn’t accept the fact that Gotham City is a dump that can never be fixed, and so he decided to turn to dressing like a Bat to solve his problems-”

With an eyebrow raised skeptically, Edward interrupted him and said, “What cop have you seen in recent years in any city that has this kind of physical body type, hm? Well, besides Lyle Bolton, but I think it’s safe to say he’s out of the equation. Besides, you still clearly haven’t equated how he was able to get all of his little gadgets or anything.”

Jonathan felt like pointing out that the cop could’ve easily trained and maybe gotten some government assistance, but he figured if he kept bickering with Edward endlessly, one of the fifteen Robins would show up and finish them off. So, conceding a little, he said, “Well, since you seem to have put a lot of thought into the identity of the Batman, what are your predictions?”

Edward, seemingly excited to puff out his theory, quickly said, “It is quite simple. The Batman is one of the billionaires in America.”

Jonathan jerked at the simplicity of Edward’s answer. Of course, he had heard the Batman being rich theory before and he could actually see the merit of that one. Someone had to be paying for that tank of a car he owned and all of the little handy tools that he was pretty sure the military would kill to have. But the billionaire theory fell flat to him once he considered one thing…

“You called my idea stupid and then say something like that?” Jonathan sneered, “What motivation would these billionaires have? They have all the money in the world! All the fame! Where would they even find the time to be doing this?”

Edward shook his head. In a rather condescending manner, he placed his hand on Jonathan’s bony shoulder, saying, “Trust me, Jonathan, as someone who is rich themselves, I can tell you for a fact you can buy time easily. And besides, them having everything would give them not only the ability to have a good act set up, but it would also give them the ability to buy these high-tech gadgets and stuff. And as far as motivation goes, that leaves a lot of questions, but you must remember not all of these billionaires have exactly great pasts. Childhood trauma can drive people to do very extreme things. Surely, you know that, Jonathan?”

Jonathan shook Edward’s hand off of him and glared at him, snapping, “Of course, I do, Edward. Don’t treat me like a child!” Then growling, he said, “So who do you think it is.”

Edward shrugged, “Bruce Wayne.”

“Bruce Wayne?!” Jonathan said in shock. Okay, it was official. Edward actually was crazy. He had to make sure he heard that right. Blinking, he said, “The billionaire playboy in Gotham who can’t keep a solid girlfriend for more than three days?”

“Who else would I be talking about?”

“How in the world do you make that connection? That guy is dumber than a brick who just rides off the success of his parents. How could that guy be the Batman?” Jonathan demanded. Admittedly, he had never been impressed by any of the interviews he had seen of the man. Bruce Wayne just reminded him of all of the kids who used to attend his college courses, whose parents had paid for their college tuition and they took that as an opportunity to act like a total ass in class. Maybe it was biased of him for him to project so much, but he was no longer a college professor and he had long accepted that he was never going to be perfect.

“There is something out there called acting, Jonathan. And besides, Wayne’s parents were big believers and renovators of this city. Wanted the best for it and all of that. The exact same motivation Mister Batman here had. That was until they died. Random thug kills them over jewelry, leaving only poor little Bruce Wayne alive, little Bruce Wayne holds a grudge against criminals for the rest of his life, yada yada yada, he is Batman.” Edward said, waving his hands in a lackadaisical manner, as if this was an elementary school explanation he was being forced to explain.

When Edward acted like this, it sometimes made Jonathan question why he was with the other man or partnering up with him. However, even he had to admit, Edward was, somehow, making a little bit of sense at the moment. 

“And besides, how many billionaires do you know who are as jacked as Bruce Wayne is? Or who has as many adopted kids who just HAPPEN to show up whenever a new Robin or Batgirl or something appears?” Edward finished off quickly.

Again, much as Jonathan hated to admit it, Edward had a point there.

“Runner up prediction is Oliver Queen, though, I don’t see why he would care about Gotham problems and I kind of have a running theory he is that Green Arrow fellow who has been showing up in the news, but hey, one problem at a time, right?” Edward said, glancing back down at the corpse. “Basically, I am sticking with my Bruce Wayne theory on this one.”

Despite Edward’s deductions, Jonathan still wanted to stick with his gut on this one, so he said, “I am still sticking with my theory that he is a cop of some kind.”

Okay, so admittedly seeing the annoyed expression on Edward’s face made a more petty part of him purr in content. 

“Fine, be stubborn as a mule, like that. We will see who is right when we unmask him,” Edward said, crossing his arm in a borderline petulant manner.

“Agreed,” Jonathan said. 

He knelt down and began reaching for the Batman’s mask, when suddenly, Edward said, “What are you doing?”

Jonathan paused and looked at the other in confusion, slowly saying, “Unmasking the Bat?”

“And why do you think you should do it? Seeing as I am the one who killed him and all?” Edward said, offense in his tone. 

‘Wait… WHAT?’

“What do you mean, _you_ killed him?” Jonathan began, trying to keep his voice level and not let the sharp anger he was feeling from seeping in. He was pretty sure he was failing. “Last time that I checked, this was supposed to be a team effort, and we both killed Batman.”

“While you did play the part, it was my riddles that got him here, and it was my guns that did the job, therefore,” He reached over and smacked Jonathan’s hand away, “ _I_ should be the one who unmasks him.”

Jonathan immediately pushed him back when he began to lean over and said, “As far as I recalled, I was the one offering to lead the Bat over, but you insisted on it seeing as you had the riddles. And without my fear gas assaulting him at the doorway, there is no way the Batman would’ve been dumb enough to walk into the room with the very blatant, lime-green guns in them. Therefore, ultimately, I am the one who deserves it more.”

“Please, I could’ve easily found a way for him to walk in here without your help,” Edward hissed. 

Wanting this argument to end before he actually lost his temper, Jonathan tried to find a compromise to the situation. Gesturing to the corpse, he said, “Why don’t we just pull the mask off together, then?”

“But then that would be conceding you did fifty percent of the work,” Edward said stubbornly, turning his head slightly. 

Finally, Jonathan couldn’t take it anymore. Voice raising, he said, “Well you know what-”

He never fully got to finish that thought before suddenly the two of them heard a window shatter and Jonathan felt a pair of boots plant into his chest, knocking the breath out of him and sending him skidding across the ground, Edward soon following close behind. 

+++

A few moments later, Edward and Jonathan, adorned in their costumes, were being carried out by the police, in handcuffs. They were read their rights, though the two of them had probably not heard any of them as the two of them were too busy arguing with one another, snapping and calling each other names.

Batman, Nightwing, and Robin all mingled on top of a building, out of sight of the milling public, watching it all go down. 

Tim Drake puffed out his chest and said, “And you said that that robot wouldn’t convince them.”

Bruce, unwilling to admit defeat, pointed out, “It barely did. They would’ve found out it was all a ruse the minute they pulled the mask. Had they not been arguing that is…”

“Who says I didn’t put their supervillain egos into consideration?” Tim Drake asked, puffing his cheeks stubbornly. 

“Excuse me, give credit where credit is due,” Dick Grayson said, raising his hand, which was holding a microphone. “The only reason they were convinced for so long was because of the amazing acting skills, courtesy of _moi_.”

Both Tim and Bruce looked unconvinced on that one, Bruce saying, “That was the most insulting part really, the thought that they would think I’d act that dramatically.” Tim snickered at Dick’s annoyed look.

“True art takes a while to be appreciated, I suppose,” Dick sighed. 

“Oh well, another job done, I guess.” Bruce sighed. Gesturing towards the two of them, he said, “Now come on. Alfred made dinner and if I leave another meal untouched, I think he will actually destroy the Batcave.”  
+++  
Meanwhile, back in Arkham Asylum, Edward and Jonathan were returned back to their shared cell, ignoring all the jeers and jabs coming from the other rogues. They had long given up trying to argue who was in the right or wrong, and had just simply accepted that this was another failure to to add to the books.

The two of them didn’t speak for a bit, still embittered by what happened, when, as per usual, Edward broke the silence, Edward said, “Jonathan?”

“Yes, Edward?”

“To avoid future arguments, let’s just work on our killing Batman plans separately? Deal?”

“Deal.”

**Author's Note:**

> This took me way too long. I apologize for my lack of gun knowledge. I know .50 caliber bullets are very strong, and can go through buildings and tanks, however, I didn't know how well they would damage a robot... and when I attempted to look up stuff, I couldn't find anything very conclusive so go with this Comic Book Logic. (Though if you do know, I would love to know!)
> 
> This was inspired by the fact I see a lot of people wanting these two to team up against Batman, and I was like, "Their egos would never let someone else claim the victory." 
> 
> As always, critique is wanted, and have a good day!


End file.
